


Brandi Maxxxx's Masterpiece

by stillscape



Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-24
Updated: 2015-03-24
Packaged: 2018-03-19 10:45:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3607245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stillscape/pseuds/stillscape
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This was written in 2012, in the hiatus between seasons 4 and 5. </p>
<p>Right before "The Debate" aired, ballroom_pink speculated to me that Brandi might only have entered the city council race because she wanted to make a porn about Leslie's sex scandal. I'm not sure she intended that to be a prompt. I wrote the fic anyway. (And then later, in canon, Brandi made a porn about the Parks department...)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Brandi Maxxxx's Masterpiece

Women had to stick together. That was one of the first things she’d learned about the world, period, and it applied tenfold to the adult film industry. And really, everything she learned about the adult film industry applied to life. Women had to stick together, because together, women could do anything—like control men using their collective sexuality, for a start. A great rack could take you a long way, if you knew how to use it.

As soon as Brandi laid eyes on that centaur painting, she knew Leslie Knope understood. 

She couldn’t get the painting out of her mind, that night. Just soaked in her bubble bath, with her usual flute of champagne, like she always did, and contemplated the meaning of being a woman in contemporary society. 

Then she got out of the tub, and set about learning her lines for tomorrow’s film. She would be playing a bored housewife who developed a taste for sushi, and fell for the local sushi chef. Fine. The sex would happen on the sushi bar. Hmm. Someone would be licking salmon roe off of her, and she could see that; she could see how the size, shape, and color of the roe lent itself to being mistaken for a particular part of a lady’s anatomy.

It seemed so unoriginal, though.

Brandi set the script aside, wondering if she could do better. She was smart; she could write. 

Leslie Knope would, she knew, tell her to find a great idea and run with it.

She just had to wait for inspiration. 

The next day on set, she was struck by a revelation. Whoever had written _this_ script had probably just been eating sushi, and realized they could make an adult film out of it. Whoever had written this script had been inspired by **everyday life**.

Well, Brandi could do that.

So she did. She went home that night and made a list of all the things she did in her everyday life. Showering. Going to the grocery store. Getting her nails done. Taking her dog, Pixxxxie Princess, to the groomer. Going to the gynecologist. She came up with pages and pages of ideas.

That was the beginning. She began writing her own scripts, and producing them, too. 

She felt **empowered**.

Months and months and hundreds and hundreds of adult films later, Brandi got inspired again. She got inspired by Leslie Knope. 

Leslie didn’t know it, of course, but Brandi was sure she would approve. Anyone would be flattered to have their sex scandal immortalized on film. Well, digital video. Same difference, though.

This film, in particular, was something Brandi wanted to do **right**. Leslie deserved that much. Research was in order, definitely. The ethics trial was a matter of public record, so she started there. She spent hours poring over the transcript and the newspaper articles. She emailed Perd Hapley for a favor, and received the tapes from several relevant episodes of _Ya Heard?_. She studied those too.

And since all her films were based on books, she picked up a copy of Leslie’s own book. It was a love letter to Pawnee. That was sweet. 

Finally, after two whole weeks of investigating Leslie Knope’s sex life in between shoots, Brandi felt ready.

It was amazing, when she finally started putting pen to paper—or manicured acrylic tips to keyboard, more accurately—how easily the words came to her. 

She really felt a sense of solidarity with Leslie Knope.

\---

INT. CLASSY RESTAURANT – NIGHT

LEELEE KNOWLES, 30s, attractive blond, sits across a table from BILL WHITE, 30s, slender build. They look deep into each other’s eyes. 

LEELEE  
Your presentation on baseball was really sexy. 

BILL  
Leelee, your hair makes me want to do you. 

LEELEE  
(playful)  
Uh-uh. Not before dessert! 

She rises.

LEELEE (cont’d)  
I’m going to powder my nose. 

She walks away from the table. After a moment, Bill follows. He catches up with her just outside the ladies’ room, while she is placing a phone call to ANNA. 

LEELEE  
Anna? He confessed. I want to do him, but it’s against the rules. 

ANNA   
(over phone)  
To hell with the rules. You’re a strong, powerful woman. If you want to have sex with him, you should. 

LEELEE  
You’re right. I know you’re right, because you’re a sexy nurse.

She hangs up and turns around to see Bill standing beside her. They begin kissing, but when Bill rips the bodice of her dress, she stops him.

LEELEE  
I told you. I need dessert first. Chocolate is an aphrodisiac, didn’t you know? 

BILL  
Like you need an aphrodisiac. 

They go back to the table anyway. CHUCK, early 40s, handsome and muscular, is sitting there. He waves.

LEELEE  
Fuck! It’s our boss! He can’t know about us since it is against the rules and we will both get fired.

BILL  
The only thing keeping us apart is government regulations. Leelee, I need you. Let’s break the rules. 

LEELEE  
Okay. 

Chuck spots them, and waves them over. 

CHUCK  
Where have you two been? I was so excited about your news that I drove almost a hundred miles! You should both stay over in my condo tonight. 

CUT TO:

INT. CHUCK’S CONDO – NIGHT

A modern, tastefully decorated condo. Leelee and Bill are having sex on the couch. 

LEELEE  
We have to be quiet. Chuck can’t know we’re fucking on his couch.

BILL  
Especially not since I was wearing his shirt.

They keep fucking. 

\---

After she had completed the first few scenes of her screenplay—it took basically no time at all, just twenty minutes or so—Brandi stepped back from her computer, sighed, and walked to her closet. There were two secrets to making a successful adult film, she knew: one, the sex had to be as sexy as possible (and there had to be plenty of it), and two, you couldn’t spend too much money making the sex sexy. 

She flipped through some hangers. Yes, she had a pantsuit. Yes, she had several extremely low-cut blouses. That was good; when she played Leelee, she could wear her own clothes. It would be especially helpful.

And it was so useful that Leslie’s real-life best friend was an actual sexy nurse. She was sure it would be no problem to recycle a sexy nurse’s outfit for Anna from some previous production. 

\---

EXT. LI’L SEBASTIAN’S FUNERAL – DAY

Leelee and Bill stand in front of the stage. Both hold clipboards. Various WORKERS are in the background, working.

BILL  
I think we’re all set for Li’l Sebastian’s funeral. Now, we need to discuss appropriate ways to touch each other in public, since no one can find out about our secret passion.

LEELEE  
I agree. 

She throws down her clipboard and begins removing Bill’s windbreaker.

LEELEE (cont’d)  
This is probably inappropriate, but I want to do it to you. 

Bill throws down his own clipboard, and rips the bodice of Leelee’s shirt.

BILL  
This is also inappropriate, but damn it, Leelee, I want to see your breasts. 

Leelee unbuckles Bill’s pants. He has an erection. She pulls down his boxers and begins giving him a blow job.

LEELEE  
(haltingly, since she is giving Bill a blow job)  
I’m sure that it is both unprofessional and inappropriate to do this in the middle of this public park. 

BILL  
Fuck, Leelee. Don’t stop. That feels so good. 

They are approached by JORGE, 25, Latin lover type. 

JORGE  
Ms. Knowles, I have a question about tonight’s ceremony. Oh, I’m sorry. I did not mean to interrupt your illicit sexual relationship. 

Leelee and Bill both JUMP, and Bill quickly pulls his pants back up. 

LEELEE  
Oh, fuck. We have been spotted by this fellow government employee.

BILL  
Look, mister…  
(reads nametag)  
Jorge, what can we do to make you forget that you saw this? I cannot receive blow jobs from Ms. Knowles because I am her supervisor. 

JORGE  
I would like the afternoon off, so that I can have sex with my girlfriend.

BILL  
Done. 

JORGE  
And I would like for you to bribe me with a gift certificate for a spa. I could use a massage. The kind where you get a happy ending.

LEELEE  
I don’t have one of those on me, but if you’d like to go behind the porta-potties, I’d be happy to go down on you too.

Jorge SHRUGS.

JORGE  
Done.

BILL  
I’ll watch, to make sure nothing goes wrong. 

CUT TO:

EXT. LI’L SEBASTIAN’S FUNERAL, PORTA-POTTIES – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Behind the porta-potties, Leelee goes down on Jorge. Bill watches, and touches himself through his pants.

\---

Brandi paused for a moment, took a sip of her Chardonnay, and read over that last scene. Yes, she thought. Having Bill watch was a nice touch. Subtle. Understated. 

She plucked a chocolate-covered strawberry from her nearby fruit plate, bit into it, and crushed the berry against the roof of her mouth with her tongue. 

\---

INT. CITY HALL – NIGHT – AFTER LI’L SEBASTIAN’S FUNERAL

Leelee is sitting at a table with two strangers in business attire, WARREN (40s) and ELISA (22). 

WARREN  
You see, Ms. Knowles, we’re part of a secret political action society here in town. We identify potential candidates for political office. We have identified you. 

Elisa nods.

LEELEE  
That’s very interesting. I have always wanted to run for office. I admire female politicians greatly, because they are so powerful, which I find arousing. 

WARREN  
Before we agree to sponsor you, we need to know: Are you involved in any tawdry sexual affairs that might tarnish your campaign, should they become public knowledge? 

Leelee GLANCES through a nearby window. The camera follows her gaze. She is looking at Bill, who meets her gaze. He waves, and mimes humping. 

LEELEE  
No.

WARREN  
Then we will help you run for city council.

\---

_“Then we will help you run for city council.”_ Those words, Brandi’s own, echoed in her mind long after she’d turned off her computer that night. 

We will help you run for city council.

**We will help you run for city council.**

Brandi had always taken her job seriously. And she had never been afraid to put in the effort, the hard work, necessary to make things better. That was one of the reasons she felt such a kinship with Leslie.

She knew what she had to do.

Leaning back on her satin pillowcases, Brandi fluffed her hair behind her, pulled her eye mask down, and waited for Pixxxxie Princess to settle in her usual spot between Brandi’s breasts.

In the morning, she called her manager and informed him that she was running for city council. 

Method acting was something she’d always wanted to try.

\---

INT. BILL’S OFFICE – DAY

Bill and Leelee sit at a table.

LEELEE  
I have to tell you something.

BILL  
I have to tell you something, too.

LEELEE  
I’m very worried about my best friend, sexy nurse Anna. She has been getting emails of penises all day. They’re sexy, but she has not gotten laid in a long time and I’m not sure how much longer she can hold out. 

CUT TO:

INT. ANNA’S OFFICE – DAY – SAME TIME

Anna, in sexy nurse’s outfit, looks at emails while she masturbates using a large vibrator. We see this from several different angles so that the penis photos can be included.

CUT TO: 

INT. BILL’S OFFICE – DAY- SAME TIME

BILL  
I have to give you this box. 

He hands Leelee a small wooden box. She opens it. It is full of red, white, and blue condoms. 

BILL (cont’d)  
We have to break up so that you can pursue your dream of running for office. I don’t want anyone to say you got where you are because you were fucking your boss.

LEELEE  
But I like fucking my boss. Can’t we use just one of these condoms before we break up?

BILL  
Okay.

They do that.

\---

One of the nice things about producing adult films was that nearly all of them took place in a single location. Brandi had never worked so hard to secure sets as she was working right now.

Another thing bothered her, too. Days. Most of her films were made in half a day. Sometimes she made two or three films a day. But this film, her baby, her _masterpiece_ , was going to take so much more time to shoot. Three days. Maybe even four or five. And then the editing—it might take two or three days to edit, too.

Then it hit her. She couldn’t finish the film until the campaign was over, but the earlier scenes—well, she could shoot those here and there, when she had the opportunity. Piecemeal. That would work.

For the role of Bill, she cast her frequent co-star, Dick. Even after two hundred films together, she still didn’t know his real name, but that didn’t matter. Dick looked nothing like Leslie Knope’s campaign manager—he was kind of dark-skinned, and stocky—but they’d slap a wig on him and he’d be fine. Dick’s performances were reliable, and more importantly for this particular role, he was better at kissing than most of her co-stars. She cast another frequent co-star, Randy, in the role of Chuck, and hoped for the best on that front. Randy’s parts weren’t the most reliable, but he was fitter, more muscular, than most. 

Anna’s role was harder to cast. Brandi loved working with women, of course; the best part of this industry was the female friendships. The thing was, though, she wanted to stay true to the spirit of Leslie Knope, and Leslie, she knew, would want her to give the opportunity to a young woman who truly deserved it. In the end, she found the perfect Anna at the Glitter Factory—an olive-skinned, dark-haired beauty going by Angel. All they had to do was cut her hair into bangs, and she was perfect. She looked amazing in the sexy nurse’s outfit, too.

Angel had a sister looking for work, too—Butterfly, she was called. And Butterfly spoke Spanish. Perfect, Brandi thought, for the role of May, which she’d only just started to write in. 

And Brandi made sure her campaign donors know that in addition to funding her city council bid, they’d also get screen credit as a contributing producer on her piece. If they wanted it. Most of them did.

Even with her newly forged political connections, Brandi couldn’t convince anyone to let her shoot in the room at City Hall where Leslie had held her ethics trial. But there was a standing set for her ongoing _Bare-ly Legal_ series, so they slapped a recreated portrait of Old Stoneface on the wall—cleverly, Brandi had changed his name to Old Stonecock—and used that instead. 

That day of shooting went phenomenally well. 

“Show me the kind of improper benefits you received from your relationship with your boss, Ms. Knowles,” said Randy. 

“I’ll need some assistance with the demonstration, Mr. City Manager Trainer,” Brandi breathed, before she dropped her pants and bent over. 

The day’s final scene would be the trickiest. She’d elected to write it as titillating rather than explicit, because everyone would be tired and Randy was notoriously unable to keep it up for same-sex scenes. 

But he could sob on cue, and he looked good doing it, while he blubbered “Are you sure you want to resign? We have been work partners for twelve years.” 

And Dick looked deep into Randy’s eyes while he said, “There’s one last part of our partnership I’d like to explore.”

The two men did look nice making out, Brandi thought. She had them framed with just the right amount of head room. 

“Bill, are you sure? I didn’t think you had feelings for me, not in that way.”

“Chuck, I love Leelee. But—” Dick cleared his throat, right on cue—“you are a very attractive man. And who hasn’t had gay thoughts?”

“And cut,” called Brandi. 

She was _so_ pleased with this film. 

\---

In January, after Leslie’s campaign advisors had dropped her, Brandi suffered through a brief depressive spell. For weeks, she couldn’t write a word. 

But then Leslie had relaunched her own campaign, with her own friends as her staff, and Brandi felt renewed. Energized. (She’d only made eight films last week. That might have helped.) She attended Leslie’s ice skating event—incognito, with a ski cap hiding her hair and a giant parka hiding her magnificent breasts—and that night, she returned to her writing with a new sense of purpose. 

\---

INT. LEELEE’S OFFICE – DAY

Warren, Elisa, and Leelee are sitting around Leelee’s desk. NOTE: Leelee’s office has glass walls! This is VERY IMPORTANT!

WARREN  
I’m sorry, but there has been a media scandal. 

He switches on a RADIO and we hear the voices of CRAZY ELIJAH and THE ENEMA.

CRAZY ELIJAH  
I would vote for Leelee Knowles…to do me. 

THE ENEMA  
I would vote for Leelee Knowles to do your mom.

The radio plays several CYMBAL CRASHES and FART NOISES and then Warren turns it off.

WARREN  
So you see, Ms. Knowles, we can no longer run your campaign.

Leelee removes her blouse.

LEELEE  
Isn’t there any way I can convince you otherwise?

Elisa removes her blouse too.

ELISA  
Well, I am a lesbian.

Warren removes his pants.

WARREN  
I am sexually attracted to hot lesbians.

They have a three-way. PULL BACK midway through to reveal that Leelee’s co-workers are WATCHING through the glass wall (this is why it’s important!). 

\---

Minutes after she finished that bit, Brandi knocked out a scene of Anna convincing Pete to join Leslie’s campaign as only a woman could. It was another moment, she thought, that had the potential to really establish her as a top director of adult films.

Then it didn’t seem like enough, so she added May to the mix. Two sexy dark-haired ladies were better than none. And the advantage of the May character—Brandi had been paying close attention to Leslie’s new campaign team—was that May rarely spoke. It took almost no effort to craft perfect dialogue for her.

\---

Of course her major financier had to show up today, when Brandi was directing the most delicate and tricky sex scene so far. It was also the most expensive sex scene. Brandi couldn’t afford the skating rink itself, but she’d managed to convince a local butcher to let her freeze a kiddy pool full of water in his meat locker. They’d dragged the kiddy pool outside, with curtains hung around it for privacy, and they’d placed a wooden stepladder just so on the edge. 

Now Brandi just had to hope that the guy playing Don Swansong (she’d never worked with him before, but he was the only actor she’d found who met the mustache requirements) could fulfill his duties. He had to carry them both across the frozen kiddie pool, nude, and deposit Brandi on the edge of the stepladder just so, so that when she slipped, she fell directly onto his penis. 

Brandi wasn’t worried about the falling or landing; she’d shot plenty of similar scenes. But the ice—well, the ice was a concern. Just in terms of shrinkage.

“Cue music,” she commanded. She’d spent last night writing and recording a special song for this scene, and now her voice rang out, layered expertly atop a sexy Latin beat.

_“Get on your knees,”_ sang Brandi’s voice, and Don Swansong did not, thank goodness, suffer from shrinkage, which was good, because she needed to suck him almost all the way off before she fell on him. 

When they had wrapped for the day, Perd gave her an approving nod. “The temperature of the air tells me that it’s cold outside,” he said. “But the temperature in my pants is very warm indeed.”

\---

As the city council debate approached, Brandi was feeling pretty good. Mentally. She felt slightly subpar, physically, but that was only because she’d suffered a minor injury at the bowling alley.

There had been some discussion over whether she should wear hideous bowling shoes or her usual five-inch stiletto platforms, and Brandi, who had full creative control here after all, had insisted on the platforms. Bowling shoes just had no sex appeal.

So she’d slipped a little while Bill was taking Leelee from behind over the ball return, and her right ankle was feeling a teensy bit twisted. So he’d taken her with such passion that her left hand had gotten crushed between two balls—actual bowling balls, for once—and was slightly bruised.

All great artists suffered for their art.

And she never broke character, not once. In fact, she thought as she watched the playback, you couldn’t tell she was hurting at _all_.

\---

The debate itself made Brandi slightly nervous, not because of public speaking—she was very good at public speaking; she had won several awards in high school. No, she was nervous because she was painfully aware that she had yet to create a Bobby Newport-equivalent character for her film, and this debate was one of her last opportunities to really study the man. He seemed to be somewhat enigmatic. 

And she needed to get his character right for reasons other than the story she was trying to tell. Legally, she was protected from libel and slander, because the Newports were public figures, and public figures were fair game for filmmakers, even adult ones. But the Newports were still exceedingly powerful, and it was possible that—if she rubbed them the wrong way—they could make things difficult for her. 

Plus, of course, she wanted to do well at the real debate. To impress Leslie. 

She and Pixxxxie Princess sipped some chilled Chardonnay together while Brandi watched Bobby’s very alluring campaign manager berate Leslie Knope over the animal shelter. This was all very sad and confusing. Leslie loved animals; Brandi was sure of that. Leslie would never want to kill puppies. 

Jennifer Barkley, though. Jennifer Barkley was a real hard-ass. Brandi felt strangely drawn to her, although she couldn’t at all support Jennifer’s undercutting of female solidarity. 

Perhaps Jennifer Barkley was a literal hard-ass. There was no anal penetration in this film yet, and anal always sold well. 

First, though, Brandi wrote a very touching scene in which Leelee’s young assistant, May (she’d been woefully underused in the story thus far, to Brandi’s chagrin) spoke about the importance of spaying and neutering pets by demonstrating doggy-style with several young, attractive college students. 

The animal shelter refused to let Brandi borrow dogs and cats for the scene, which disturbed her. “Can’t you understand that this will raise awareness about animal control?” she pleaded, but to no avail. 

In the end, she dressed Pixxxxie Princess in a raggedy dress and dusted her fur with makeup. Voila! She had a poor orphaned puppy. 

Pixxxxie Princess did always enjoy being included in her mommy’s work. She sat obediently on a throw cushion and barked enthusiastically as Male College Student #4 approached climax. 

\---

INT. OLDPORT MANSION – DAY

JENNA BERKELEY, attractive hard-ass, sits with ROBBIE OLDPORT, handsome and youthful, in Robbie’s bedroom. 

JENNA  
Robbie, do you understand this new campaign strategy?

ROBBIE  
I think I do. I am pretty smart.

JENNA  
Would you understand it better if I showed you?

ROBBIE  
Yes, I probably would.

They both remove their clothing. 

JENNA  
Well, you see, in the debate, you need to screw Leelee Knowles. 

Jenna bends over the edge of Robbie’s bed, showing him her smooth, firm posterior. 

JENNA  
You need to screw her in the ass. 

ROBBIE  
But I like Leelee. She’s been very nice to me, and she’s very attractive.

JENNA  
Robbie, you hired me away from the President of the United States to run your campaign, which I assume means you want to win.

ROBBIE  
I do want to win.

JENNA  
Then you need to screw over Leelee in the debate tomorrow. Screw her right in the ass. And I want you to practice by screwing me in the ass right now.

Robbie lubes up, and screws her in the ass. 

\---

Brandi shook Leslie’s hand after the debate. “Wow, Leslie. That was—wow. Just, really great. Way to score one for the ladies!”

“Thanks, Brandi,” Leslie said, but Leslie wasn’t looking at Brandi’s eyes, or even at her knockers. No, she was looking to the side of the stage, where her campaign manager and her best friend were rushing over to embrace her. 

For a moment, Brandi felt sad that Leslie couldn’t spare a few moments to discuss politics. 

But she knew the look a man got when he wanted to sleep with a woman. Ben Wyatt had that look and then some. He had that look plus _admiration_. 

So did Ann, quite frankly. 

“Hey, Brandi!” She felt a hand on her shoulder, and looked up to see the friendly, smiling face of Bobby Newport. “You were awesome in the debate. Really great.” 

“Thank you, Bobby,” she replied, shaking the hand he offered. 

“Hey, party at my dad’s lake house right now. You should come!” And he ran off to invite Fester Trim.

Brandi attended the party, mostly because she had hoped against hope that Leslie would be there. But Leslie wasn’t there. She was at home, no doubt, looking into the future. 

Or fucking her campaign manager and her best friend. Either seemed likely. 

But Bobby Newport was a super friendly host, and he invited Brandi into the hot tub. He looked rather nice in his swim trunks, Brandi thought. He also got someone to bring them a private tray of cocktail wieners and a six-pack of Blue Hawaiian Bartles & Jaymes for her and a six-pack of PBR for him, and they sat together for over an hour, discussing their mutual admiration of Leslie. 

“I’m gonna vote for her,” Bobby insisted, “since it’s illegal to vote for yourself and all. I mean—” His eyes widened. “No offense, Brandi. You’re really great too. But Leslie’s just so cool, you know?”

Brandi smiled. “I do know. Leslie and I share very similar opinions on most important political matters.” 

“That is so great,” said Bobby. He raised his drink. “To a couple of really awesome lady politicians.”

She clinked her bottle against his beer can. 

Later that night, Brandi hovered nervously over her keyboard. The debate was an important scene; it would be the sexual climax of her film. It was the scene she felt the most responsibility to get right. 

She **couldn’t** let Leslie down. Not after those closing remarks. 

\---

INT. CROWDED AUDITORIUM – EVENING

Leelee and Robbie stand behind podiums, looking at both the crowd and at BIRD TAPLEY and JAN CALLEMUDZO, important local news figures. 

BIRD  
I’d like to start off this debate by asking you to read your closing statements.

\---

(Was that too much? Brandi wondered? No, she decided, it wasn’t. She had a lot of emails with Perd to study, for speech patterns—a _lot_ of emails. And besides, she needed to remember her audience. Although she was ultimately hoping that this masterwork would inspire others to become active in the community, like Leslie had inspired her, it was still an adult film, first and foremost.)

(And should she try to write in more candidates? The budget was severely stretched at this point, but they could maybe make room...

She checked the spreadsheets again, and no. They couldn’t afford to cast even more actors. Which was unfortunate, since Brandi had some _great_ ideas for how to incorporate a Fester Trim-like character.)

\---

ROBBIE  
If you vote for me, I’ll give you candy! My dad has a big factory that makes it.

He THROWS a handful of penis-shaped lollipops across the stage. Jan CATCHES one, unwraps it, and begins running her tongue around the head.

The crowd CHEERS.

ROBBIE (cont’d)  
But if you don’t vote for me, I guess you don’t get any candy. 

BIRD  
Ms. Knowles, would you care to respond?

Leelee clears her throat. This is her moment and she knows it.

LEELEE  
I’m very angry. 

She steps in front of her podium and begins to remove her blazer. 

LEELEE (cont’d)  
I’m angry that Robbie thinks he can win your votes with this penis-shaped candy. It’s despicable. The power to dictate what the citizens of a city need—sexually or otherwise—belongs with the people.

Casting her blazer aside, Leelee bends down to pick up one of the lollipops. (NOTE: The décolletage should be tasteful, as fits the political climate, but it should also be prominent.)

LEELEE (cont’d)  
And I love this town. I always have. And when you love something, you don’t try to buy its love in return. You fight for it. You make sure no one takes advantage of it, sexually or otherwise. 

She is toying with the lollipop now, drawing it across her face in a sensual manner, and glancing back at BILL and ANNA, who are standing slightly offstage with JENNA. 

LEELEE (cont’d)  
If I seem too passionate, it’s because I am. 

At this point, Leelee removes her pants. 

LEELEE (cont’d)  
If I come on strong, it’s because I’m horny. And if I fuck too hard, it’s because things aren’t moving fast enough. 

She removes her blouse as well.

LEELEE (cont’d)  
And I believe that a woman’s passion can take her a long way in the world. I’d like to demonstrate that to you right now. 

She beckons to Bill, who runs into the middle of the stage and rips off his own clothes. He is closely followed by Anna, who begins to remove her sexy nurse’s outfit. 

LEELEE (cont’d)  
And for the record, I did not sleep my way to the top. 

She and Bill begin going at it. 

ROBBIE  
Leelee, that was awesome!

In a fit of passion, he kisses Anna. Soon all four of them are rolling around on the floor. Jenna ENTERS. 

JENNA  
Robbie, no. You were supposed to win the debate, using the penis lollipops. Like this.

She pulls up her skirt and demonstrates how to use the penis lollipop (NOTE: as a dildo). 

BIRD  
In this reporter’s opinion, the method of using the penis lollipop in that way does make the eating out of a woman have a more pleasurable taste. 

JAN  
How is that, Bird?

BIRD  
Well, provided that she is already very wet, the moistness of the juices causes the lollipop to—

He cannot finish the sentence because Jan kisses him. 

\---

When they finally shot the scene the next day, Brandi glanced from side to side, taking in as much of the action as possible while she was on her back with a penis-shaped lollipop in her vagina (Dick, who had started feeling really comfortable in the role of Bill, was improvising). To her left, Jan had Bird pushed up against a podium, alternating her licks between him and a large chocolate lollipop. To her right, Jenna and Robbie were demonstrating perfect cowboy position. And Brandi—no, _Leelee_ ; in this moment she was definitely Leelee—felt a rush of creative pleasure for having created all this.

And she even felt some physical pleasure. Bill was pretty good with his hands. And his tongue. And Anna was awfully good at kissing; that was happening too. In fact, their improvisation had led to the two of them fighting, literally fighting, over Leelee. And that, Brandi thought, was not only good for the film—it was true to the source material. 

The budget was gone—the last of it had been spent on penis lollipops—and the forty dollars’ worth of confetti and breast-shaped balloons that fell on the stage now had been paid for out of Brandi’s own pocket. 

When she called “cut,” and sat up, she discovered several penis lollipops stuck to her back. That was good too, a sign that they had all been interacting with the props. 

This was truly her best work.

\---

Brandi didn’t wait for the election results before she started editing her film. She couldn’t afford to do that. Timing was of the essence with topical subjects; she needed this to hit the shelves on Election Day. While Leslie was pounding the streets for one last push, no doubt, Brandi sat with her editor, and watched herself pounding and pushing. 

If she couldn’t win the election, she decided, she hoped Leslie would. 

\---

 

\---

Four days after the election, April woke up super early, like at 9:30, and silently cursed herself. What the hell was wrong with her? This was the first weekend they’d been able to sleep late in weeks. It was totally quiet in the house, too, with no campaign work in the living room…

Andy sat up, and sniffed the air. “Aw, darn it,” he said. “Honey, if Ben’s not living here, and Leslie’s not staying over, does that mean no one’s going to make waffles on Saturday mornings?”

“I guess not,” she grumbled.

“Well, that is dumb.” Champion perked up and whined softly, and Andy swung out of bed to let him outside. 

April was almost asleep again when she heard Andy bang the front door shut. 

“Honey?” he called. “What are we doing with mail that comes for Leslie’s campaign?”

She rolled over. “I don’t know. Throw it out. The election’s over.” 

“Yeah, but this looks important. I think it’s from one of Leslie’s competitors.” His head peeked in from the hallway, eyebrows raised. “Do you think it’s a bomb?” 

“Why would anyone send Leslie a bomb?”

Andy’s eyes widened even more. “Because, duh. If they didn’t want her to be on the city council even though she won, they’d _have_ to kill her. It could be a huge scandal.” He paused. “Plus, if Leslie died, it would be a bummer. Honey, I think we should open this.” He tossed a small bubble-wrap envelope onto the bed. 

“Opening other people’s mail is a federal offense. We’ll just take it to work on Monday.” 

The envelope wasn’t addressed to Leslie, though. It was just addressed to “Knope Campaign.”

“We can totally open it, babe,” Andy insisted. “In fact, I think we should. I’m still head of security. If this is dangerous, it’s my job to protect Leslie from it.” 

April groaned, rolled over, and found herself face to face with Champion, who licked her. “Whatever.” 

She heard Andy rip the packaging open, with a lot of grunting and sound effects. “Got it, I got it.” Part of the envelope hit her in the back of the head. 

And then Andy started laughing. 

“Oh, _fuck_ ,” he said. “April. Get up. You have to look at this.” 

“Fine,” she grumbled. Where were her glasses? There, on the floor. She retrieved them, put them on, and accepted the thing Andy handed her. A DVD case.

Then she actually looked at the DVD case, and all the blood drained out of her face. 

“Andy, what the hell is this?”

They both stared at the cover. 

_Brandi Maxxxx in “Stuffing the Ballot Box: Pawnee’s Local Erections.” Written, directed, and produced by Brandi Maxxxx_

“It’s porn,” April said. Brandi was on the cover all right, wearing a pantsuit (with no blouse or bra), punching a giant ballot with a red, white, and blue dildo. “Brandi Maxxxx made a porn about the election.”

Andy grabbed the DVD and turned it over. “Follow candidate Leelee Knowles through her sexy sex scandal as she campaigns for city council…hey, look, this guy’s dressed like Ben!” He giggled, and showed her, and _fuck_ , Andy was right. On the back of the case was a guy who looked nothing like Ben, wearing a terrible wig, a plaid shirt, and a skinny tie…and extremely tight boxer briefs. 

“Brandi made a porn about Leslie’s campaign. Oh, my god.” This was either the best thing that had ever happened, or the worst. She wasn’t sure yet. 

“Well, the first order of business is to find something for breakfast, because I’m super hungry. Do you know to make waffles?” When April shook her head, he continued. “Okay. The first order of business is to figure out how to make waffles, and then the second order of business is to eat the waffles, and then the _third_ order of business is to watch this, because we need to know what we have to protect Leslie from.”

She was about to ask if he was sure about that when she remembered the code name he’d given Leslie. And Brandi did look kind of like Leslie, on this DVD case anyway. Kind of, except Leslie wasn’t gross. 

“Andy?” She swallowed. “This says the entire campaign staff is featured…”

Andy’s jaw dropped. “Oh, my god, babe. Are _we_ in this porno?”

“Maybe.” That would be weird. The entire campaign staff, though? “Do you think there’s a porn version of Jerry?” If there was, April thought, she might never want to have sex again. 

“Well, now we definitely have to watch it,” he said. Then he caught sight of her face. “April, come on, don’t worry. There’s no way any of these porn stars are hotter than my wife.”

“I wasn’t worried about that,” she said. “Just—god, Andy, it’s gross enough when we can hear them in Ben’s room. I don’t really want to see it.”

“Babe,” he said, patiently, “you said yourself that you would hit Leslie.”

“Not Ben, though.” Leslie as a _centaur_ , she would hit Leslie as a _centaur_. Sleeping with the real Leslie would be way too scary. All that enthusiasm…

“And Jerry?” Andy chuckled. “That would be hilarious. Jerry having sex!” He thought about it for a moment. “Nope. It would be gross. There’s no way that would be in the film. Porn is supposed to make you want to have sex, not throw up.” 

She shrugged. “I guess not.”

“Now come on,” Andy said. “Let’s go figure out how to make waffles.”

“Yeah, okay,” she agreed. The film might make her throw up, but she was pretty sure it wouldn’t be boring, at least. “We definitely have to watch it.” 

Making waffles turned out to be both difficult and stupid, so they settled down on the couch with a can of turkey chili. 

\---

Actually, April had to admit that Brandi’s film was kind of riveting, in a weird way. A very weird way. Seeing people you knew (and respected, even) made into a terrible porn film was maybe the weirdest thing April had ever seen. And she’d seen a fair amount of Orin’s homemade vampire porn. Brandi’s production values were even worse. Half the scenes were out of focus, and at one point the Ben character had gotten hit in the head with a boom mic. 

“This is so weird,” she kept repeating. Suddenly she noticed that one of the campaign posters with Leslie’s face on it was still in her peripheral vision, and she had to get up and throw a hoodie over it so that Leslie couldn’t see her. Or she couldn’t see Leslie. Whatever. 

“Do you think they actually do this stuff?” Andy asked.

“I don’t know,” April said. She’d been watching all of this with the hood of her hoodie pulled all the way up, so she could hide her face if she had to. Although it was getting more riveting as they went along. The Anna character was kind of okay. Way more fun than the real Ann. And she kind of liked the insinuation that Ben and Chris had slept together at some point. 

But on the whole, Andy was enjoying the film a lot more than April. That was a little disturbing, when April considered the fact that they’d just watched a porn version of her receive oral sex from a porn version of Pistol Pete, while he received oral sex from a porn version of Ann, who was receiving oral sex from…god, was there even a word for sixty-nining with three people? She didn’t feel like googling it right now.

“It’s no weirder than stuff we know Ron and Tammy have done,” Andy said. He put the chili bowl on the floor for Champion to lick. 

“I guess.” The scene changed. “Wait, is that Brandi singing?” 

Andy made a face. “She kind of sucks.” He giggled. “Dick. She sucks dick. Get it?”

“I get it,” April said. She squinted at the screen. “Is that supposed to be _Ron_? That’s supposed to be Ron.” 

They watched in silence for a moment.

“Honey,” Andy said, “I don’t have ice skates, but I am super awesome on Rollerblades. We should totally try that.”

“No.” Just because they’d figured out how health insurance worked didn’t mean April wanted to use it. “We shouldn’t.”

\---

“Oh, my god, they have a dog in this. Is that animal cruelty?” She glanced at Champion. Should he even be watching this? Did dogs get turned on by human porn? He never seemed to care when she and Andy had sex.

Champion wagged his tail. 

“Ew, gross,” Andy said, laughing again. They'd gotten to a Bobby/Jen scene. “They’re having sex in her _butt_. I bet it’s full of poop.”

\---

And then there was the debate.

“Do you think Leslie and Ann have ever…” Andy asked. “I never really thought about it before, but Brandi’s right, they do touch each other a lot.”

“I have no idea,” April muttered. 

She wasn’t sure if she was turned on, exactly—although the lollipops didn’t seem like such a bad idea. Unless they got those weird sharp edges. But she could see trying that, maybe. 

The most disturbing part of the film was that it kind of explained all the weird noises that came from Ben’s bedroom when Leslie stayed over. The second most disturbing part of the film was that there was no version of Andy in it, which they both thought was stupid, because Andy was awesome at sex. The best part was seeing the fake Perd and fake Joan doing it; April was totally going to imagine the real ones doing it every time she saw either of them on TV now.

A grainy yellow graphic—like from the 1980s or something, what the hell—popped up on screen, informing them that the Leslie character won the election with 69% of the vote, at which Andy cleared his throat.

“That’s inaccurate,” he said. “Leslie would be upset about that.”

“Leslie would be upset about everything in this film,” April said, without thinking about it—but immediately, she realized that her statement was true. 

Andy shook his head. “Babe, Leslie loves sex. We know that for a fact.”

“No, Andy, she would be. Think about it, okay? She’s wanted to run for office her whole life. And she, like, really believes in making the world a better place. And she’s super into women being recognized for, like, merits and stuff. You know, not just sex.”

“Oh, _shit_.” Andy’s eyes widened. “So you’re saying that Leslie is like Catherine MacKinnon, who, along with Andrea Dworkin, has been active in reforming legal postures towards pornography, framing it as a form of sex discrimination.”

“What?”

“MacKinnon characterizes pornography as a particularly graphic and violent means of subordinating women. MacKinnon also highlights how pornography reduces women to their sexual body parts (vaginas, breasts, or buttocks’). This is a central part of her argument of dehumanization, as women are simply seen as sex parts, i.e., objects, things, or commodities for the sexual enjoyment of men.”

April was so confused now, which Andy must have noticed. 

“I memorized all the Wikipedia articles on women for my final exam. I can remember stuff.” 

“Yeah, okay.”

“But,” Andy continued, “this porn was made by a woman, right?”

“Right,” April agreed. Brandi’s name was certainly all over everything in the end credits. As were her breasts. 

“Well…” He collapsed on the couch. “If pornography discriminates against women, why would a woman make it? And Leelee was pretty kickass, too.”

“I don’t know, Andy, okay?” 

“I bet Ben would like—”

“Babe, no.” April placed her hands on Andy’s knees. Why wasn’t he getting this? 

“No, right. Leslie is like Andrea Dworkin—but wait. Haven’t we heard them watch porn together in Ben’s room?”

“I don’t think that was porn,” April said. “I think that was them role-playing with the _Game of Thrones_ soundtrack in the background.”

Andy looked thoughtful. “I can see it. _Game of Thrones_ is kinda like porn. Hey, do you wanna do that sometime?” 

“Ew! No. I don’t want you to call me Khaleesi.” 

“Okay, but babe, if Leslie likes that show, wouldn’t she like porn, was my point.” 

After they went in circles a few more times, they tried looking through Andy’s women’s studies reader for advice. Laura Mulvey? April was sure something there would be helpful—it was about movies, after all—but she had no fucking clue what Jacques Lacan’s mirror phase was, or what that had to do with porn. Andy recited Mulvey’s Wikipedia entry, and then he grabbed a hand mirror out of the bathroom, but that didn’t make the Lacan stuff make any more sense. _To-be-looked-at-ness_? What the fuck. 

“I think,” Andy said, “that it’s time to call in the smartest man I know.” 

As soon as the front door was closed securely behind Ron, they shoved the DVD case into his hands. 

“This needs to be destroyed,” he said at once. 

“Ron, can you explain whether pornography is degrading to women or not?”

“That’s not the problem here, son,” Ron said. “The problem is that our society still largely sees women as less competent than men—”

“But Leslie’s like the most competent person ever,” Andy interrupted. 

“She is. But reframing her accomplishments in terms of sexual activities suggests, however obliquely, that she won the election because she slept with the right people, not because she was the better candidate. That’s already a stereotype about women in positions of power, and Leslie doesn’t deserve to have it associated with her.” 

They all thought about that for a minute, and then Andy jumped to his feet.

“So we need to destroy all the copies of this film,” he said. “Bert Macklin is on the task. I’ll get my FBI jacket.”

“Let it go,” Ron advised. “We’ll just burn this one, to make sure it doesn’t fall into Leslie’s hands by accident.”

“Yeah, but the other copies—” April started.

Ron held up a hand. “We keep Leslie from seeing _this_ DVD. Nobody tells anybody that it exists—not your friends, not your relatives, and definitely not anyone else on the campaign team. But—” He shrugged. “Brandi Maxxxx makes hundreds of adult films a year. This one’s going to blow over. In a week, everyone in Pawnee will have forgotten it ever existed.” 

April took a deep, shaky breath. Ron was right. She hoped to god that Ron was right. 

“We’ll watch Perd and Joan to be on the safe side, though,” he added. 

Andy giggled again. “Ron, you said ‘blow.’” 

\---

They didn’t burn the DVD, in the end. Andy suggested that it remain hidden under their mattress, with the rest of their porn, and April agreed. 

She still didn’t want Leslie to know about it. But something as fucked up as a porn about your boss’s run for political office, complete with a character who was clearly supposed to be you?

You couldn’t make that shit up, April thought. And if someone else _had_ made it up, well…who was she to destroy it?

**Author's Note:**

> P.S. I know that this is not what script format really looks like. Blame the limitations of HTML.


End file.
